How the Seguro Was Won

You may recall from earlier this week that I opened a bank account at La Caixa, was told I was required to pay an 81.25€/year fee for seguro de vida (life insurance) to open an account, and then learned that no one else had paid this fee, even customers of the same bank.

On Tuesdays, this bank is actually open normal people hours (past 2pm), so I sauntered on in there with my boxing gloves on, my head swimming with obscene Spanish insults my roommates had provided me minutes before in case of emergency. Here’s how the scene went down, translated for all my English-speakers. There may have been a few changes made. Artistic license.

What I looked like taking on La Caixa. Except I had no Army of the Dead to back me up.

[Kirstie, 22, innocent victim lost in a foreign land, approaches the desk at La Caixa. There, she spots Lilith, as we’ll call her after the demoness, the same woman who had helped her the week before, friendly and cheerful on the surface, yet with a dark evil lurking within.]

Lilith: Ah, Kirsten!
Kirstie: Uh huh. Very good, lady. You tried to win me over last week by complimenting my water bottle. Now you’re trying to entice me again by remembering my name. But you won’t. I’m on to you. HA.
Lilith: You’re here to pick up your debit card, no?
Kirstie: Oh no no no. You sad, poor little woman. You think you’ve got me, but you never will! No. Last week, I opened an account and had to pay for life insurance, but I’ve talked to lots of other customers, and no one had to pay anything.
Lilith: Well… I mean… But you get a 25€ rebate!
Kirstie: So I still have to pay 55€? No way, José. [Note that this expression definitely does not translate to Spanish.]
Lilith: But your other fees are 0€!
Kirstie: Other banks have zero fees total!
Lilith: [scrambling to save her malicious plot] But look! Your debit card came! It’s so pretty! [She shows Kirstie an insanely hot pink debit card. Kirstie swiftly pushes her yearning for it out of her heart.]
Kirstie: Oh, it’s pink. That’s nice. [Puts on cowboy hat and pulls bandana over her mouth.] Now give me my money.
Lilith: Wait, you want to cancel? But this bank is sooooooo great! It’s the best ever! I’m the best ever!
Kirstie: Then give me my money back, and I won’t cancel.
Lilith: Fine, you can cancel your account. Here’s the 20€ you deposited.
Kirstie: Nobody makes me bleed my own blood! Nobody!

[With that, Kirstie pulls a bucket of water from behind her chair, throws it on Lilith’s head, and Lilith melts into the floor, screaming her apologies the whole way down. The other bank customers cheer wildly. Kirstie is canonized as the patron saint of foreigners not getting ripped off. Everyone lived happily ever after, except for Lilith. And the janitor who had to clean up the mess.]

Kirstie 1, La Caixa 0. And I did it all in Spanish.